7 ways to teach independence

I was at the ball field the other day picking up my son from baseball practice. As I was waiting for him, I saw another player around the age of 8 or 9 come out of the dugout and hand his dad his baseball bag. Meanwhile, the dad already had his own backpack. His son wasn't carrying anything. It got me thinking about how much we actually do for our kids. How much we may be inadvertently enabling our kids. Yes, they are children. Yes, we want to help them out because they are probably tired after being at school all day and then practicing for an hour and a half. But are we teaching our children how to become responsible for themselves? Or are we just trying to make their lives easier? I remember a quote I heard back when my older children were very young. It went something like this: Don't do for your kids what they can do for themselves. Now some of us just love doing things for our children because as a parent, we feel that is our job. True, it is, to some extent. However, it is also our job to teach them how to be productive members of society. You may be thinking that I am very insensitive and that I should give kids some slack. Maybe you're thinking, they're just kids! They will learn, it won't be like this forever. But when will we start guiding them to be more independent? When they're teenagers because that's when they will be more willing? Or maybe by the time they are in their 20's, they will finally get it and take over where we left off. For some kids, this may work. Maybe you just have a very easy going, cooperative kid. For others, it may become a big problem when they start sharing a space with someone other than family.

I think of parenting in the long-term. How will what I am doing now help shape them for the future? There is a scripture in Proverbs that says, "Direct your children in the onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it." I believe this applies to when they are young. So how do we start training them now so they will apply it later in life? Let's consider these suggestions.

1. Evaluate. Ask yourself a few questions. What's going on in me? What need is this fulfilling? What am I doing too much of that my child is capable of doing on his/her own?

2. Start young. Though it is never too late to begin, even though it may take some more time and patience if your kids are older and used to you doing things for them. Some of us want things to be done a certain way, so we don't allow our children to do x, y, or z. We don't want messes or have to do it over again. I get that. But you can help them, too. They will also learn that they may make messes (oops!) but it's not the end of the world and they can also help clean it up!

3. Be confident in their efforts. Children won't do something if you stand hovering or are holding your breath right in front of them. Give them instruction and then back up.

4. Refuse to do it for them. I've seen parents carry their kid's backpacks for them when they get off the bus. My kids used to ask me to do this too. No. The answer was no. If I started, they would expect it every time. If your child really puts up a fight, tell them, "you do it this time and I'll do it next time." Or simply make a compromise. "You carry your backpack half way and I'll carry it the rest of the way."

5. Be consistent. If you always do things for them (clean up their spills, pick up their socks), they will expect you to do it all the time. You may sound like a broken record, but keep at it.

6. Have a heart-to-heart. If you have an older child and are just starting now, apologize and say you aren't doing a good job at preparing them for life. You may even be guilty of being a perfectionist yourself, which is why you've been doing it all. There's always time to start fresh.

7. Encourage them. They may have little confidence or may feel overwhelmed. You can scale back your expectations. Maybe they have become so dependent on you that they are really fighting you because life was much easier before you started putting more expectations on them. I once worked with a 2nd grader on tying his shoes. Kids can learn this skill in Kindergarten! He wasn't happy with me and I had to fight the urge to do it for him. I kept encouraging him and had him keep practicing right in my office. He wanted to give up but instead he went home and practiced on his own. A week later when he came back to my office he was already getting it! He was so proud of himself and I was certainly impressed. I was also proud of my efforts to push him and not give in.

So why not give these suggestions a try? Do I think parents should help kids out every now and then? Absolutely. We should show them it's nice and considerate to do them favors, because they will learn to do that for others. Take time to think about your parenting. What is it that you can start teaching your child to become more independent in today? Start with 1 or 2 things and remember to talk to your spouse/parenting partner first, then your child second. Make sure there are no surprises or you will definitely have a fight. You may even want to ask your child what he or she thinks he or she can start doing on his or her own. I challenge you to do this. You may be surprised at the outcome.